I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
