Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
