So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
