Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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