I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
