im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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