How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
