Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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