some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
