True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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