Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
