Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
