guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
