Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
