My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize