I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
