Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
