I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
