I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
