walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
