i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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