Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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