first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
