The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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