is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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