I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
