i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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