Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
