Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize