well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
