we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
