Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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