I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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