When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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