My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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