Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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