At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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