I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
