A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
