I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
