It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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