Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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