I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize