I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
