I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
