This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I could make wine with my vomit
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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