i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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