My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
