There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
