Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
