I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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