She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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