we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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