i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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