I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
