Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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