No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I enjoy the company of your penis
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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